Cora, Goddess of Spring

My show was only two weeks away, I was feeling on top of the world and had finally finished my song, "Goddess of Spring." There was no doubt it was the best piece of music I'd ever written, although I still wasn't quite satisfied. But then, I knew I never would be. How could I be? I mean, there were no words, no notes, certainly no guitar chords that were beautiful enough to express the love I felt for her, but I did my best. All I had left was to decide whether its debut would be in an intimate setting with just Cora and me, or on stage as the last song of the show. I thought I'd call Cindy and get her take.

"Hello, Gray."

"Hi, Cin, you sound a little down in the dumps, anything wrong?"

She hesitated for a moment before answering, "No, a little drama between us girls, but hopefully everything will work out for the best."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Cindy. I sure hope it's nothing too serious. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know."

"I will, Gray, thanks. Why the call?"

"Oh, I've written a special song for Cora. I was wondering what you thought would have the most impact; if I waited until it was just her and me and sang it for only her, or should I introduce it at the show?"

"I'd play it for her, Gray. I wouldn't wait."

"Done," I said. "Maybe I can take her on a little picnic over by where we first met. There's a little lake there. It's kind of romantic. Thanks, Cin, and I meant what I said about helping if I can." We said our goodbyes and I wondered what could cause drama between the three of them. They were as tight as any three people I'd ever seen.

I didn't hear from Cora all week except to cancel our Wednesday date. That Friday night, no one from our group showed up for open mic night. Evidently, whatever was playing out between the three of them was more serious than I originally thought. I did get her to agree to a picnic the following Sunday by the tree where we first met. I told her I would take care of everything.

Sunday morning, I was almost like a child at Christmas, I was so excited. Scott wished me well as I left to get things ready. It wasn't really cold but the air was chilly so I went to Target and bought a couple large blankets for us. Cora liked Kentucky Fried, so that was next; the liquor store for a nice bottle of white wine was my last stop. I got to our spot early and laid out the old blanket I brought as a tablecloth, keeping the two new blankets bundled up so they wouldn't get cold.

I felt my heart start to pound like a jackhammer as I watched her walking my way. As she got closer, I could see an anxiety I had never seen in her before. I started to wonder if it was the right time to do my song; then I remembered Cindy saying I should play it for her right away.

I could feel the tension in her body as she hugged me, as well as when she kissed me. I decided to play her song before we ate so I didn't get my guitar all greasy, then see if she wanted to talk about whatever was happening between her, Cindy, and Jennifer while eating.

Cora forced a smile as she sat on the end of one of the new blankets and threw the rest over her legs. "This is so nice, Gray," she said in a weak voice.

"Thanks, honey. I have a little surprise for you." I reached for my guitar case. "I, ah, I wrote a song for you." She looked surprised and I saw what I thought were tears of joy, but before I even got to the intro, she jumped up and ran away. I called out but she wouldn't stop running.

By now my head was spinning with questions; what the hell was going on? I stuck my guitar back in its case and was going to chase her but I didn't want all that food to attract animals. I quickly bundled everything up in the blanket and stuck it all in the nearest trash can. The two new blankets, I just left. I grabbed my guitar and took chase.

I was out of wind by the time I got to her apartment. I was about to knock when I heard Cora and Cindy through the door. They weren't exactly arguing, but their voices were loud enough that I could clearly hear what they were saying. "Cora, you've got to tell him to his face. I can't believe you'd even think of writing him some stupid letter."

"I can't tell him, Cindy. I can't look him in the face and tell him, I tried."

"That should tell you something, Cora, you're making the biggest mistake of your life, honey. Please, please reconsider. Guys like Gray come along once in a lifetime."

I was still standing at the door and heard enough to realize the problem I'd been wondering about appeared to be me. My heart was tearing in two. What was going on? I wasn't sure I even wanted to know. Maybe if I just left it would all just go away. No, I knew that wasn't going to happen. I had to find out; apprehensively, I knocked.

"That's him, Cora. You HAVE to tell him; I'm not going to do it and neither is Jen. I'm going to let him in and leave you two alone. Sit down and talk to him."

A moment later the door opened and Cindy looked at me with a very sad face. "She's waiting for you in the kitchen, Gray. I'm praying you can talk some sense into her." With that, she brushed by me on the way out.

I walked in and shut the door. Like a man walking to his death, I took one step then another until I reached the kitchen. Cora was sitting on the far side of the table with a coffee in front of her and a cup for me on the other end. I sat down without saying a word.

"I... I'm sorry for running off like that," she said in a frail voice. "Everything you did was so perfect. I... I didn't mean to spoil it."

"What's going on, honey, what's this all about?"

"Please don't hate me," she said with tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Cora, I could never hate you. I love you with every fiber, every molecule in my body. Please, tell me what's wrong. We'll face it together."

That brought a heavy sob before she wiped her nose with a tissue. She couldn't look up at me; instead, she studied her hands as they twisted another tissue in anxiety. "Do... do you remember me telling you about Jim Kudro?"

"Of course, he was your first love before moving to Europe with his family."

Almost imperceptibly, she nodded her head. "He's back, Gray."

At first, I still hadn't grasped the significance. I thought, so what? "Here, in Chicago?" I asked.

"No, he completed his degree in journalism so his dad pulled some strings and got him a job in L. A. as an anchor on the six-o'clock news out there." She still hadn't looked me in the face. "He didn't know how to contact me so he sent a letter to my parents and asked them to forward it. This came with the letter," she said as she placed an engagement ring on the table between us.

Suddenly, everything was as clear as a bell. He wanted her back, and evidently, she was strongly considering it.

"In the letter, he said he'd made the biggest mistake of his life when he left without me. He said he constantly thought about me and couldn't wait to get back to the states so he could propose."

I hadn't said a word up until then. "He's been gone what, almost four years? Did he ever call you in all that time, even write you a letter?" She was slowly shaking her head no.

"Did he ask if you were in a relationship? Hell, for all he knows, you could be married by now. Did he ask about your feelings before laying this on you from out of nowhere?"

"No," she said, "but his letter sounded like he sincerely missed me every day he was there. He wants me to fly out to LA to be with him."

"What about teaching? What about your schooling?"

"I can just transfer all my credits and finish out there," she said in a flat voice.

"Cora, you're not really considering it, are you? What about us? I love you; I thought you loved me."

"I do, Gray, I do love you, but Jim and I have history together. We were each other's first. We grew up emotionally and sexually together. When he left, it was as if we had interchangeable parts. We belonged together."

I was absolutely crushed, it sounded as if she'd already made her decision. I was doing my best to keep from hyperventilating. "It sounds like you've already made up your mind."

"Gray, it's what he and I talked about all the time, getting married, having kids. It had always been our dream. Now, after all these years it can be a reality. I have to go, Gray. I'm so sorry. I do love you."

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I wanted to stay and talk her out of it, but it would have to wait; I had to get out of there. I jumped up from the table and made a mad dash for the door. I heard Cora call my name but I couldn't stop. If I had, I would have come apart piece by piece and died right in front of her.

I ran to our spot under the tree, slumped down on the grass, and cried my heart out. I realized how much of a wimp I must have appeared to anyone who walked by, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop.

I heard my phone ringing from my pocket but just let it ring. I had never felt such a profound sense of loss. It was as if a big heavy curtain had come down and was blocking out the rest of my life. There was nowhere to turn, no direction to go.

I could feel my heart beating in my chest and willed it to stop but it wouldn't listen. It took a while before I realized I'd left my guitar in the apartment. I was not prepared to face her again. Maybe I'd send Scott to get it for me. At that point, I had no idea what to do. One thing was sure, I couldn't live out the rest of my life sitting under that tree. I thought about going back to my room, but wasn't prepared for Scott's scornful commentary either. I started walking with no real destination in mind until I found myself in front of the coffee shop. I bought my usual black java and found an isolated table in the back corner. I tried to focus; I needed some kind of magical words or an enchanted phrase—something that would change her mind, but all I could do was hear her words over and over again.

I looked up as I took a drink and saw Jennifer and Bob as they walked in. Jen was staring at me while talking on her phone. I was hoping she wasn't telling Cora to come down; there was no way I could face her in public. They started my way.

"Gray, I'm so sorry," Jen said as she pulled a chair out for herself.

"Me too, Gray," Bob echoed as they both sat.

"You didn't call Cora and tell her I was here, did you?"

"No, I called Cindy; she and Jason are with Cora, but we all got scared when we saw you left your guitar there. Bob called Scott but he said he hadn't seen you since this morning. We were worried sick, so Bob and I volunteered to be the search party. When we came in and saw you, I immediately called Cindy and told her you're okay. I hope you don't mind."

"No, I just don't want to face Cora right now, especially in public, so I hope she's not thinking of coming down here."

"Gray, right now Cora's not in shape to go anywhere. She completely broke down after you left. When Cindy came back, she found her rolled up on the couch in a fetal position, crying her eyes out."

"Then why? I don't get it, if..."

Jen didn't wait for him to finish. "You're competing against a ghost, Gray, a memory of sexual enlightenment and fulfillment. Cindy and I both knew Jim in high school. At the time we were jealous of Cora. He was every girl's wet dream, but you're twice the man he is. We've both been trying to get Cora to see that but so far, she's still trapped in her fantasy world. We're all praying she wakes up before it's too late. It's not too late yet, is it Gray? You still love her... right?"

"Of course I still love her."

"Then don't give up. She hasn't booked her flight yet. Don't give up."

"Jen, the problem is, I can't make up her mind for her, she has to do that. It has to be her decision. If she chooses Jim, all I can do is pray that he makes her happy."

"The greatest act of love is letting go," Bob mumbled while staring into his cup.

Jen hadn't heard him clearly. "What?"

He explained, "There's an old parable, I don't even know where it came from but it's about a boy who finds a baby bird who's fallen from the nest. The boy takes it home and cares for it. He keeps it warm and stays up nights to make sure the bird is fed at regular intervals. As it grows, so does the boy's love. He holds it in his hand and strokes its head. He names it and the bird becomes a loving pet. Then comes the day when the bird can fly. The boy wants to put it in a cage but his father tells him if he truly loves the bird, he has to let it go.

"And so we learn, true love doesn't mean selfishly holding on to something or someone if they don't want to stay, true love is the unselfish act of letting go."

Jen didn't like his parable. "Whose side are you on, anyway?" she angrily asked.

"I was just making an observation, Jen. It only goes to show how much he loves her. He's not thinking of his own happiness, he's only concerned with hers."

"Yeah, well letting her go is not in my playbook," she said, turning to me. "Fight for her, Gray, please, fight like your life depends on it. If she marries Jim, she'll regret it for the rest of her life, I know it."

How, I wondered? How do you tell someone who they should or should not love? As far as I could see, I had one chance. "Jen, I didn't mean to leave my guitar there. I guess I just ran without thinking, but I really don't want to see Cora right now. If I walk back with you guys, can you just grab it for me and bring it outside?"

"Sure, but you've got to talk some sense into her, Gray. Cindy and I have tried but I think you're the only person she'll listen to."

"I'm going to try, Jen. Do you think you can get her to come to the show on Saturday?"

"We'll get her there if we have to hogtie and gag her and carry her over our shoulder."

I smiled at her determination. "I hope it doesn't take all that. Can we go get my guitar?"

"Yeah, let's go," Bob said while helping Jennifer with her chair.

The sun was going down by the time I got back to the dorm. Scott was waiting with a concerned look. "Jesus, man, where have you been? Everybody's been worried sick."

"Sorry, I guess you heard what happened."

"Yeah, I heard, but I still can't believe it. She's got to be having some kind of a breakdown or something. I know from the look in her eyes she loves you to pieces."

"Yeah, unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be enough."

"What are you going to do?"

"There's not much I can do. I can't keep her under lock and key. If she wants to go, she'll go."

"That doesn't sound like the Grayson I know," Scott stated. "Weren't you the guy telling me about love and commitment? Letting her go to that other guy would destroy you, man; I know it would destroy me."

"You," I said with a chuckle, "you're the guy with the built-in revolving door."

"Not anymore. You remember Heather, you gave her your seat that night at Plato's."

"Yes, of course, I remember her."

"Well, I was thinking about some of the things you said. When I met Heather, she seemed different from the other girls I've been dating. I decided to actually get to know her. We've been exclusive for a while now, and I'm seriously thinking about making it long-term."

I couldn't believe this was the same guy I'd been living with for the past several months. "Well, congratulations, man. I hope it works out for you."

"Thanks, I hope it works out for you and Cora, too. What did she say when you sang your song?"

"We never got that far. She hit me with the other guy before I had a chance to sing it for her."

"Man, you have to play it for her. You put your heart and soul into that song; somehow, you have to get her to sit down and listen to it."

The ensuing week was the most difficult of my life. I was supposed to be practicing for my big break, but it was hard to stay focused and not get depressed. I must admit, Scott helped a lot. He'd badger me as I practiced and told me when it sounded like my heart wasn't in it.

I didn't try to contact Cora. I wanted to give her time to think. I did, however, keep in touch with Cindy and Jen. They told me she talked to her parents a couple of times and to Jim, but never committed to him. I took that to mean I was still in the running.

By the time Saturday rolled around, I felt I was about as ready as I was ever going to be. Barry had called earlier in the week and said he needed me to show up with my guitar around eleven that morning for sound checks. He met me at the back door and introduced me to the sound crew.

This was all new to me. My guitar was an electric acoustic. I could plug it into an amplifier if I wanted to, but never did. The sound coming from the guitar itself was good enough for me. After the introductions, Barry went back to his office leaving me with Keith, the sound mixer, Roy, the sound technician, and Don, an expert with microphones.

Keith started the ball rolling. "Did you bring an amp with you?"

"Ah, no, I... I've never played with an amp."

"Never?" I shook my head no. "Well, don't worry, it won't make any difference in how you play. Why don't you get on stage, take a seat on that stool in the middle, and play us a couple of tunes so we know what you sound like."

"You have a nice natural sound," Keith said as I finished playing. "You don't use any special effects or anything like that, right?"

"No, nothing."

"Okay," Roy spoke up and turned to Don, "we'll use the Fishman amp and the Shure mics. I'm sure he'll need a battery for the guitar as well."

"Yeah, I agree," Don answered while heading off to the equipment room.

Roy turned back to me. "We're going to get you set up. The gear we're using is all designed to produce a very natural sound. Even though you'll be going through an amplifier, you won't know the difference; it'll still sound like your acoustic. The same is true with your vocal mic. The only difference will be that it'll go through our sound system so everyone can hear it equally."

Keith headed for the mixing booth while Roy and Don set up the equipment on stage. When it came time for the sound checks, Roy stood over my shoulder and adjusted the controls on my guitar. I'd forgotten they were even there. They had one mic offset in front of the amplifier and one adjusted for the vocals. I had to play several songs before they were all satisfied with the mix.

Barry came out of his office at the end. "He sounds great," he announced. "Thanks, guys. I'll see you tonight." He walked up to the edge of the stage to talk to me. "Gray, I need you here no later than eight-thirty. You'll come in through the back door and stay behind the stage until you hear me introduce you. I'll reserve this table here, front and center, for your friends, but I don't want you mingling before the show, okay?"

"Whatever you say, Barry. I really appreciate all this."

"Hey, from what I've heard so far I think you're going to be a hit, so it'll be good for both of us. Roy will be at the back door, so just knock when you get here and he'll let you in."

"Will do, Barry, and thanks again." I shook his hand and left.

On the way back to the dorm, I had to take several deep breaths. No one else knew what the night meant to me. It could be my big break... sure, but that was a small part of it. I hadn't seen or talked to Cora all week. I was putting all my eggs in one basket.

"You were gone long enough; how'd it go?"

I chuckled, "Scott, you wouldn't believe it. The coffee shop has one mic that goes through a PA system. The bar has a mixing booth, amplifiers, the whole ball of wax. We did about a dozen sound checks before they were satisfied. Are you coming?"

"Hell, yeah, man. Heather and I'll both be there. Is Cora coming?"

"I sure hope so." I told him where to pick up the VIP passes so he didn't have to pay and where the reserved table was, then we went out for lunch, although I was so nervous, I didn't eat much.