February Sucks - New Details

Prologue:

I am writing this in response to 'February Sucks - the Details Matter', by KitDeLuca164.

Her story was extremely painful for me to read, but I just couldn't stop. It resurrected some old personal demons and sent me on an emotional roller coaster for days.

This is my attempt to write my way out of those feelings. Names have been changed in the prologue in order to protect the guilty, but the events are true.

It was a Friday night in June of 1989. Zoe, my girlfriend of two years, ditched me for a one nighter with another man.

We had gone out to dance at Elysium, The Goth Club in our town.

There was this one guy in the local scene that everyone knew. I'll call him 'Kirk'.

He was a handsome bastard; tall and lean, with a swimmer's physique. He had long black hair, gray eyes, and a movie-star face with cheekbones that could cut you.

He danced with several women throughout that night, and Zoe couldn't keep her eyes off of him.

I paid it no mind because I knew we were solid... I was at the bar getting drinks when he walked up to her and asked her to dance. She took his hand and followed to the floor.

While I watched them, waiting for the song to end, Zoe's friend 'Keely' came over and started flirting and teasing me. This was odd because she had never expressed any interest in me before.

The song ended, and Kirk left the club through the front door. I didn't see Zoe.

I stood up to find her, only for Keely and a couple of her friends to get in my way. Keely tried to get me to dance with her, which she had also never done before. That's when I knew.

I ran outside to watch Zoe climb into Kirk's car.

I remember turning to Keely and asking "What the fuck just happened?"

Keely said "She's going home with Kirk. She's been into him for a long time and now he wants her too. Don't worry, she'll be home on Monday, and everything will be fine!"

It was not fine. I went home and packed a bag. I got a bottle of cheap rum and an even cheaper motel room.

I stayed with a friend the next night, and couch surfed until I found a new apartment.

It was way easier to avoid people back then. I just stayed away from the club or anywhere else she might be.

I didn't talk her for weeks. I finally called her to get the rest of my stuff and talk to her. I hoped that she'd at least show some remorse.

Keely was with her when I got there. I heard them talking through the window before I rang the doorbell. They were talking about Kirk.

I heard Zoe tell her that it was the best sex she'd ever had, she didn't regret it, and she'd do it again.

Well... you can imagine how that felt.

I rang the bell and Zoe opened the door. I asked why she ditched me for a one nighter with a sleaze.

She gave me the usual Cheater's Litany: It was 'just' sex, it didn't mean anything, still love you, never happen again, yadda yadda yadda...

She lied to my face. She didn't respect me enough to tell me why.

I told her what I'd heard, grabbed my things, and left.

Over the next few weeks, I was in a very dark place. I woke up angry, and passed out angry. I barely slept. I plotted vengeance and crafted murder and torture scenarios so vile that I will not write of them here.

The rage ebbed, the pain began. I spent weeks moping around and crying until a good friend of mine took me out and got me drunk. I got completely, totally, shitfaced.

I woke up face down on his living room floor.

That day, while I recovered from an epic hangover, I realized that I had to let it go.

I had to because there was Nothing I could do to her, and nothing she could do for me that would balance the scales between us. There was no way to undo the hurt, or make her understand.

The pain and anger was consuming my mind. I had to let it go in order to save my self.

A lot of mutual- Zoe's friends said I should have taken her back, That I did not own her, That it was her right to fuck whomever, I was being a dick, and I should just accept that.

Yeah... Fuck that. My dignity is too important. I will not be a cuckold or a laughingstock, nor will I ever trust a cheater.

I moved downtown and made new friends. It took another two years of deliberate thought management on my part to move beyond the betrayal, rage, pain, depression, and self doubt she caused me.

I don't know what happened to Zoe. I don't know where she went, or even if she's still alive. I have not seen her since.

I met my wife roughly three years after that night. After two years of casual dating, it started to get serious between us, and we decided to move in together.

We had a long talk about what we wanted and expected. I told her that cheating of any kind was a deal breaker. No affairs, one-night-stands, or 'hall passes' allowed.

Naturally, that went both ways. She agreed, since she had been cheated on by her ex.

Over the years, I have watched similar things happen to friends of mine. My sister's first husband was an emotionally abusive asshole who cheated on her while she was pregnant with their second child.

Another friend had two women in a row cheat on him, not because he did anything to them, but because they could.

My son's ex wife was fucking multiple guys at the gym where she worked. He came home from work to find a huge wet spot on their bed and cum stains on his towel.

After being cheated on and seeing others go through it, I learned the following:

Vengeance is... impractical. As much as I wish otherwise, revenge always costs way more that it's worth. If you go too far with it, you risk a prison sentence.

Reconciliation is not an option either. You can never really trust a cheater.

I hate RAAC stories, they're nothing but Apologist Porn for cheaters.

BTB stories are just Vengeance Porn. They're like action movies; unrealistic and predictable.

I created a new tag for this story: DTBMO.

It means Ditch The Bitch/Bastard, Move On.

That said, I present 'February Sucks - New Details' .

This February:

Details really do matter...

I sat sat in my car, idling in the driveway. A light rain fell, more of a heavy mist. This February was much milder than last year, in many many ways.

I looked through the windshield at the home I had bought and renovated for my wife and children. I was going to miss it.

It was February again. Exactly one year after that night.

Exactly one year since Linda humiliated me to go have sex with Marc Lavaliere.

Exactly one year since she wrote about the joy she had found with him.

Exactly one year since she wrote of her disdain for me as a husband.

Exactly one year since I had decided to try and rebuild our marriage.

It was also three months since I understood the real meaning of forgiveness. I haven't told her yet.

I didn't forgive her because she deserved it, nor did I forgive her for the sake of our children.

I forgave her for my myself....

I never told her of the dark places my mind had gone over the last year or so.

I never told her that I had contemplated acts of revenge so heinous and twisted that even a serial killer would flinch.

I never told her how I'd had held my grandfather's old service pistol in my hands, how I pressed the muzzle to my temple and stroked the trigger before changing my mind....

I never told he that I'd considered having an affair of my own; I could hook up with a younger, hotter woman with a sweeter face, bigger tits, and a tighter pussy. A woman who would be happy to suck my cock and swallow my load...

It was not impossible, or even improbable. I'd been hitting the gym regularly. I'd never be built like a football star, I was still a handsome guy.

I'd dismissed the idea even faster than I'd thought of it. It was not in me to use someone like that. I also knew that it would never hurt Linda as deeply as she had hurt me.

I looked at my watch. It was almost time let her know that I had truly forgiven her...

Last March:

I tried hard to rebuild the trust we had lost. We went to counseling. Two sessions a week, one joint session, and a separate session for each of us. We never discussed our private sessions with each other.

I tired to bring it up once, but Linda refused to listen about my session, or speak of her own.

During our couple's sessions, our counselor, Doctor Bauer focused on me. I had to get past my resentment, put my anger aside. I had to accept what happened before I could move forward. He wasn't wrong, but I noticed that he never called Linda out for her part.

A detail...

Last June:

It was a warm night, the first really nice evening of the year. Winter had held on until the end of March. April and May were colder than usual that year.

We went out as a couple for the first time since that night. I had reserved a table at a new seafood place with wonderful reviews. I'd handed her a credit card and told her to get herself a new dress.

The fact that the restaurant was on the opposite side of town from The Madison was just a coincidence.

Linda wore a stunning dress of green silk. I was relieved that it was any color but blue.

Dinner was delicious, the restaurant was lovely and the evening was perfect, until we ran into Dee and Dave for the first time since that night.

"Linda! Jim!" She beamed. She tried to kiss my cheek, but I pulled away. She was still on my shit-list. Dave offered a handshake with a wan smile. He kept his mouth shut.

"It's good to finally see you out and about. How are you guys doing?"

Linda answered first. "Were doing good! Things are getting back to normal!"

"That's so wonderful! Jim, I'm glad you're taking it so well!"

"It's getting better, Dee, but it's still a work in progress." .

"Keep trying Jim, She's worth it."

Dee give Linda a knowing smile and wink. Linda's eyes lit up when she smiled back.

I felt a flash of anger and doubt, wondering if they were planning another tryst for Linda.

I thought about Doctor Bauer's advice: "Listen Jim, You have to give her the benefit of the doubt or this will never work!"

Right. I took a deep breath and plastered a blank smile on my face.

Linda and Dee chattered and laughed. I kept my conversation polite but short.

Linda was quiet on the drive home. She stared at her phone and smiled.

Another detail...

Linda did her best to act like a loving devoted partner. Any outside observer would see the most loyal, caring, happy couple that anyone could dream of, but something was off.

Last July:

The counseling sessions continued. I was making real progress in getting past my rage and pain.

I had to work hard to be intimate with Linda again. It took a clean blood test and a negative pregnancy test before I could bring myself to touch her.

Once I manged to get past my revulsion, I worked on improving my end of our sex life. I switched my diet to raise my fitness, and ramped up my cardio routine at the gym to boost my stamina.

Doctor Bauer had suggested that we try new sex techniques and toys.

I read sex books and bought a lot of interesting toys. Linda seemed to enjoy my new, sexually adventurous attitude. I asked her about things she wanted to try, but she never initiated or asked what I might like.

I'll admit that I was relieved when I saw her birth control pills by her sink.

Details...

She didn't hold back when it came to sex, though. She even allowed me to fuck her ass.

I saw a little smile flash across her face as she rolled over. It wasn't a joyful smile, it was smug. It said; 'He did it first!' It was fast, but I'd seen it.

Another detail...

Last August:

It was Saturday, in the height of summer, ninety degrees, sunny and clear.

Dave, Dee's husband, decided to throw a party to show off the new pool he'd installed. Linda was thrilled when Dee called to extend the invitation.

I was hesitant to go, but Linda insisted, so I sucked it up and went along.

She was watching the kids splash around in the shallow end. She wore a sexy little pink sundress. It had a low neck line stopped at mid-thigh. She looked gorgeous as usual.

All the guys made excuses to hang around her. This was nothing new. Linda played the model of a married woman, avoiding their attempts at conversation and sticking close to Dee. I noticed that Dee kept her eyes on me. She'd whisper to Linda whenever I went near them.

I was drinking a beer and hanging out by the grill with Dave. We talked about jobs, cars, and the news. We talked baseball and the Cubs' chances next season until Dave mentioned the Bears

I looked across the yard toward Linda. She and Dee were deep in conversation, laughing and giggling.

"So Dave. What do think the Blackhawks are gonna do next season?" I asked.

""What the hell, Jim? Hockey is months away! It's football season! Why-"

He followed my gaze. "Oh..."

"Uh huh..." I drained my beer in one long pull and crushed the can in my fist. "I'm getting another. You need one?"

"Ah no, I'm good. Burgers will be ready in a few."

I went into the kitchen and grabbed a fresh beer. I dug around and found a one of those hard seltzers that Linda liked. I took my time getting back out to the pool.

Linda was talking to a guy I hadn't seen before, laughing at something he said. She leaned in, and his eyes dropped to her tits. She laughed and did a little shimmy for him. I headed over to them.

"Hey honey, I got you a seltzer." I smiled at her.

"Ah! Oh, Hi Honey!" She was startled to see me there. A detail...

She turned to take the seltzer, and the guy walked off before I could introduce myself.

"Who was that?" I asked

"Oh, That was Mike, He's Dee and Dave's new neighbor."

"That's nice. What does he do?" I kept my voice neutral.

She hesitated. A detail...

"He, uh, he's a physical therapist... for The Bears." I saw the tension in her eyes.

"Hm. Nice work I suppose." I sipped my beer, letting it drop.

Linda seemed relieved, and trotted off to find Dee.

I drank my beer and ate an over my overcooked burger. Dave sucks at grilling. Linda hung out with Dee until it was time to get the kids and head for home.

More details... I heard the whispered jokes and giggling behind my back whenever Linda and I attended parties or events, especially if Dee and Dave were there. I saw the mocking looks from Dee and the other women, and the looks of pity or contempt from the other guys in our group.

The weeks turned to months.

Last Summer into Last Fall:

Linda spent a lot of time on her phone with the screen turned away from me.

She was vague in our joint counseling sessions.

She watched every single Bears game.

Her smiles for me didn't reach her eyes.

Details...

Last November:

We went to her parents' place for Thanksgiving. Her mom cooked a delicious dinner; A huge turkey, stuffing, yams, cornbread, green bean casserole and pumpkin pie. I ate like a pig.

Things got awkward after dinner. Her dad and the brothers-in-law all went to watch the game. The Bears were playing. I got weird looks when I didn't join them.

Linda sat and watched the entire game, squealing and cheering whenever Marc did anything. Another detail...

I helped with the dishes. Her mother was a nice lady. I wondered if she knew what her daughter had done to me.

Last December:

Life went on. We worked, took care of the kids, and went to counseling. It looked like we were doing better... I took Linda out for dinner and dancing at least three times a month.

We had sex several times a week, but Linda never initiated. She still fucked me, but it felt wrong. It wasn't lovemaking, it was more like fucking a prostitute. A detail...

Tuesday, two weeks before Christmas, my private session. I was doing everything I could to be a good husband. I did my best to please her in the bedroom. I brought her flowers and little gifts, just because. I tried everything to release my anger and squelch my doubts...

But I kept noticing those little details...

Doctor Bauer welcomed me into his office.

"Hey Jim, have a seat. How are things?"

"I'm honestly not sure, Doctor Bauer. Things seem fine, but it all feels off. I've poured my heart out here since March. I've told you and her how I felt about that night. She won't talk about it, except in our double sessions with you, and I know she's holding back when she does.

Did she ever tell you about it? Did she tell you why she did it? Does she even-"

"Stop." Bauer raised a hand. "I'm gonna cut you off right there, Jim. Those sessions are private.

I cannot discuss her private sessions without her permission or a court order, so quit asking.

This session is about you. If Linda wants to talk about her sessions, she will. Pushing her on this will undo all of your progress so far, understand?"

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Things just seem wrong... I keep noticing little details. I'm fairly certain she hasn't cheated again, but I'm starting to wonder."

I went on to describe the details I had seen. I told him about meeting Dee and Dave back in June, and the looks she'd shared with Dee.

I described the smug little smile I'd seen the night she let me fuck her ass.

I went through everything I'd seen and noticed since March. He listened and nodded, taking notes on his tablet until I finished speaking.

"Jim, You're being paranoid here. I've seen husbands and wives go through this many times. It could take years for you to get through it, but you have to work on it to get there."

I let out a snort. "I am! I am doing my best to forgive and move ahead, but... I can't shake the feeling that she doesn't see me like she used to. She doesn't smile at me like she used to. It's like she's faking it..."

Doctor Bauer nodded. "I hear you, but-" His watch beeped. "Sorry. We're out of time for today. You should bring this up at your joint session on Friday."

"I'll do that." I stood up. "I have to go Christmas shopping anyway. I'll see you Friday."

I left his office. As I drove to the mall, I realized that Dr. Bauer had never said anything about Linda's actions, or the harm she had done. Yet another detail...

Christmas shopping is its own special hell. The mall was crowded, people were assholes, and the saccharine cheer of the holiday music grated on my nerves.

I soldiered on and managed to get everything on our children's lists. I spent the extra cash to have them wrapped.

I saw a life-sized cutout of Marc Lavaliere at Footlocker. He'd gotten his own line of shoes.

I resisted the urge to spit on it as I walked by...

The drive home was surprisingly quick. I must have hit the sweet spot between rush hours.

Linda was at work, and she was going to pick up the kids and swing by her mother's place for a visit.

The timing was perfect. I could hide all the Christmas presents without having to sneak around.

I carried the gifts up to our bedroom. I hid them in the back of the closet under Linda's shoe boxes every year. I'd need to find a new spot when the kids got older.

I knelt down and pulled the stacked boxes out, and a large box that I'd never seen before tumbled from the stack and spilled open.