Under the Gaze of the Sirens 02: Unknown Desires

So many hot gay studs hit on me but in the back of my mind I knew I was like Cinderella, I had to get home and changed back to a guy before Jessica got home from work. Back home I put the roses in a vase for Jessica. Next day she thought I was being romantic, if she only knew! She was on her period but I got a nice hand job over the roses, and again, if she only knew. All I could think about was being dressed up and being desired by men as she jacked me off. Could not wait for the next "drag" night at the bar.

It was last summer that I went to Minneapolis and had my affair with Warren, that was about seven months ago. While Jess and I still had sex, having sex with guys drove my sexual being. Mel who lived in the apartments, Ricky from the auto shop and at a few others that I hooked up with. If you are a guy and are so inclined you can always find another guy to hook up with, you just can. That's the way it is with gay and bi guys. Guess I wanted more than just a one time hookup. Deep down I wanted a boyfriend, someone steady and nice. Someone who didn't mind how gay I really was. Some guy that appreciated me wanting to be his "girlfriend."

By late spring things with me and Jessica were perhaps falling apart. She seemed distant, cool and bitchy to me again and we had sex only once a week, if that. My fault I'm sure because I hid that I was probably gay from her and had been in bed with other guys. I couldn't help it, it was just so exciting, I just didn't know how to deal with it with Jess. Sometimes when she came home from work and was tipsy and I was asleep and she would start playing with my cock. I'd wake up with her mounting me for a quick fuck in bed. It was nothing special, then she'd roll over and go right to sleep. With all the masturbating I was doing in her panties or having sex with other guys, it might take me a while to finally cum, I don't think she thought much of it, but the fire was not there. I loved having sex with men and I loved being feminine and girly for them and loved dressing up for them in panties, lingerie and dresses. Men loved that about me too, it was just who I was inside.

At some point I knew I would probably have to come clean with Jessica about being gay, deep down I knew I couldn't and shouldn't hide it from her. It was scary, I admit. Scary to let on to Jessica that I had bisexual urges. Scary to let on that masculine men with big cocks turned me on. Scary to admit that I'd been with a man before and how powerfully it affected my sexuality because being with a man made me feel feminine. Scary to admit how much I masturbated to gay porn wearing her panties when she's not around. Scary to admit that being dressed as a woman and kissing a man, sucking his cock, letting him fuck me was the most exciting thing I had ever done in my life. Ever. Scary to admit to her and to myself that my urges were not bisexual, that I was actually very, very gay. That inside my psyche, I was actually a sissy faggot. That the thought of being in high heels, toes painted pink, in sheer stockings, silky pink panties, a spaghetti strap sexy cocktail dress, perfect makeup and hair, being dressed like this for a man, or for many men at once was my most powerful urge... Or that I had actually dressed like that and let men have their way with me. Many times.

Guess it showed. These urges got the better of me. At first she didn't say anything so I thought she didn't notice. She noticed. How could she not notice that I shaved my legs and my underarms. Granted I was not very hairy to begin with and had a smooth skinny body. But she noticed. How could she not notice I had shaved and trimmed my pubes to nearly nothing. That after a while they were trimmed shorter and shorter till it was shaved to but a tiny "landing strip". How could she not notice that I played in her panties, lingerie and dresses? She noticed.

When she was in bed naked, her little titties looked beautiful. Eventually our sex life began to change. She began using dildoes and vibrators on herself in bed and jacking me off instead of intercourse. After jacking me off she would rub the cum all over my nipples. The stench of cum permeated my nostrils, I loved having cum all over me.

One night one of her hands started caressing my naked penis and she traced a finger over the shaved area of my 'landing strip' which I had just shaved close again. I started getting hard. She kissed the side of my face. She had not been affectionate or sweet to me for quite some time. She started rubbing my hard little peeny with her panties that night, she had never done that before. With her now pulling on my quite hard cock I tingled in anticipation from the sensation of what she was doing.

"Do you want to put on some of my panties?" she asked with a soft tender look.

"Ok," I said feebly, "OK."

It was agony being outed like this but it was ecstasy where this was leading. She got up and went to her pantie drawer. Pulling out a pair of white super soft cotton bikini panties adorned with tiny flowers and a tiny pink bow she returned to bed with them. When she opened the panties up for me to put on and I pulled them up and on me, it was heaven. The touch of her hand through the panties touching my penis made me shiver in anticipation. I was so hard and the arousal of her seeing me wearing her panties drove me insane.

"I know you love this," she whispered sexily in my ear as she rubbed my cock through the amazingly soft panties. OMG regardless of being outed, being on display for her in her panties felt out of this world. I felt very, very gay.

The hand job she gave me that night was one of the best orgasms in my life. And she could tell. The next few times she did not involve panties when she gave me a hand job and it drove me crazy that there were no panties involved. And she could tell. Then when she finally started rubbing me with her panties again she could tell I was almost possessed with lust. She told me to put them on. It was kinky and naughty and I shivered in sexual arousal putting on Jessica's panties at her request Then panties started showing up on my side of the bed at night, like it was OK for me to put them on, which I did. It was just too exciting, even though I felt guilty that she knew I liked it so much. I couldn't help it, it just felt so good and her hand jobs were mind bending every time.

One night as I lay in bed wearing a pair of her hot pink silky panties she said "you go ahead, I'll just watch." My little penis was so hard as she watched me masturbate in her lovely panties. It's always better having her jack me off but it was still exciting having her watch. As I flailed impatiently pulling on my penis, I rubbed my hairless chest and played with my nipples. She playfully started calling me names like sissy, girly boy and faggot. That made me even harder.

I was so agitated and horny that as I was getting close I couldn't help it and I started fingering my tight little hole. Huffing and madly masturbating, it felt so good to finger my butt as I masturbated in front of her, like I was possessed and out of control. In exasperated fashion I came, spewing cummies all over my tummy.

The next night in bed there were no panties on my side of the bed. Looking at her almost quizzically "you pick" she said as she pointed to her panty drawer. Trying not to linger too long while searching, I spied a pair of panties that were my favorite, a pair I had masturbated in many times; a super soft microfiber string bikini panties in bright white with soft pink trim and tiny pink bow. I got back in bed with my hard little penis tenting rigidly in her sexy panties.

"Billy, I know," she said softly as she rubbed my penis through the panties and kissed the side of my face again. Inside I cringed.

"You do?" I replied, leaving things ambiguous in case she was going to say something other than what I knew she was going to say.

"You've been wearing my panties and my clothing for a long time now. A girl can tell when her clothes have been disturbed. You've always struck me as a little too feminine for a guy. Kinda pretty too I bet if you wear makeup. You like being pretty don't you?" she went on. I nodded ashamedly. "It's OK. Are you gay?"

Looking at her with bewilderment and perhaps some fear in my eyes, my whole secret crossdressing world was crashing down around me. The thrilling sensation of her playing with my penis while wearing her sexy panties made it a strange and wonderful feeling as I squirmed inside not knowing how to answer or what to say.

"Shaving your legs, underarms and pubes and masturbating in your girlfriend's panties and wearing her dresses and makeup are not things that normal boyfriends do," she told me. It was true; I was becoming more femme and acting less masculine every day.

"You can tell me. Nothing wrong with being gay. I don't mind, really, it's OK if you are. My friend Melissa asked me if you were gay. She's always thought that you were. You can tell me," she softly cooed as her hand worked magic on my penis. Hearing her say this as she played with my penis through the panties had my thoughts racing and gasping for what was going on in my mind.

Reaching by the bed she pulled out a dildo and brought it to my lips, urging me to suck, asking me if I was gay, asking me if I liked cock. Hesitantly I sucked on the dildo as she rubbed my penis through the soft, sexy panties.

Pulling the panties down as she continued masturbating me, she lubed up a sleek vibrator and poked it up my ass. Jessica jacked faster and harder on my cock as she molested my bung hole with the vibrator humming at high speed. Again she asked me if I was gay and if I liked cock.

"I really think you are gay, am I wrong?" she went on. As the sensation of the vibrator up my ass, her pulling on my penis, me sucking on a penis shaped dildo and the stark truth of the words she was speaking it began to trigger the approaching climax. As she was fucking my butthole with the vibrator I began to cum in ragged spurts over her hand and my tummy. Her little titties looked so soft and appealing. Pulling out the vibrator Jessica said softly and sexily:

"That was sweet," as she dipped finger in the cum and brought a big gob to my lips to lick off. "Mmmnnn," she hummed as I unabashedly licked my own cum off her fingers.

As I came down from such an unplanned out of the ordinary sexual high she asked again if I was gay. I hesitated, not able to answer.

"Are you gay? I really think you are. It's OK, I'm not mad. You can tell me. It's better if we both know," Jessica said softly and sweetly as she looked intently into my eyes.

Tears welled up in my eyes. In hesitant, broken breaths I whispered a whiney "yes". I didn't really know what more to say. It was out in the open now and our lives would surely change. Jessica said it was OK, that she still loved me. She hugged me.

The next day when I got home from work she was not there, she didn't call, she did not come home till early the next morning. She said little and just showered and went to school. I did not know what to do or think. That night she was home when I got home from work. We talked. After dinner she asked me if I wanted to meet someone, she would help me. It was strange for her to ask that, having her encourage me in my admission about my sexuality. We were going out. She drove. Way downtown we went. I heard her phone make a text sound. She saw who it was from and smiled. Where we were going to was a classy, expensive, stylish establishment. It was not really a gay bar but it was a progressive open minded place where many gay professionals frequented.

"Kent from work is meeting us, you remember Kent, don't you?" she asked with a knowing grin.

Kent from her work, a nice guy, fairly handsome, certainly not buff, but a nice guy. Met him at Jessica's Christmas party, they were good friends at work. He was gay. She knew that, I knew that, everyone knew that, no big deal right? Truth be known, when we first met at that party, the way he looked into my eyes, he gave me a stare like he knew I was gay too. "Gaydar" doesn't lie. Would so loved to have pursued it, but with Jessica and Kent working together, discretion was the better path. When Jessica and I left the party Kent gave me such a wonderful smile and knowing look that I wanted to rush over to him, push him against the wall and press my mouth onto his. He knew.

Evidently Jessica and Kent talked a lot at work, during breaks, after work in the lounge over drinks. When she let on to him about me shaving my legs, underarms and pubes and that she knew I was getting into her panties, lingerie and makeup, she asked him what he thought. He told her honestly that not all crossdressers are gay, but that many are actually closet homosexuals that infatuate with the "sissy" mindset. Kent told her that he had a boyfriend at one time who loved wearing his girlfriend's panties, clothes and makeup. He told her that some men discover by happenstance and experimentation that they are this type of closet homosexual. It was Kent who convinced Jessica to bring panties out in the open with me, for her to encourage me to wear them to see what happens. What he did not tell her was that I was that boyfriend and that Kent and I had been lovers since some time after that Christmas party.

Kent kissed us both on the cheeks as we met him at the bar. I was floating it was so exciting being out in public like this in a safe environment like a classy bar. I was dressed in "guy" mode but secretly wished I was in a dress and high heels, like I had been so many times for Kent, which he loved about me. As fate would have it I ran into him at that gay bar one night, he had the day off while Jessica was at work. I was dressed up and pretty, I recognized him right away. At first he had no idea who I was, then he kept saying "I think I should know you?" When I told him Jessica was my girlfriend, he lit up. Like at the Christmas party the spark and connection between us was instant and overpowering.

Our affair was torrid. All my manifestations of femininity and homosexuality blossomed full force when I was with Kent. He encouraged and nourished my girlish ways, even after many months of being lovers, he never tired of me being in panties, lingerie and wearing dresses and high heels. I never tired of being so feminine for him, nothing was more thrilling, nothing excited me more, nothing made me feel that this wasn't right. Using Warren's take on it, I told Kent I'd be the perfect "boy wife" for him. Kent told me he'd love that very much, both of us sighing "if only" as we nuzzled and kissed, usually when I was playing with his ever so hard cock.

We sat on some lounge sofas and made small talk and had two rounds of drinks. Kent first put his hand on my leg. Then we held hands sitting there. I was beaming, Jessica smiled demurely. She made a wry comment about us being a "cute" couple. Leaning close, Kent whispered in my ear "you are a doll." When he said that my hand involuntarily brushed his cock, then I drew it away, but I could tell it was hard. I looked into his eyes as we were still close, then it happened. We kissed in front of Jessica, it was a miracle that I did not pee cum in my pants.

Jess finished her drink then said she was going to leave us alone and left. From that point on Kent and I have been together, me as his boyfriend, his lover, acting very much like his wife. I was just so happy to move in with him and be in his bed every day and night. Jessica knew, she knew long before she let on to me that she knew. We were still friends but we both knew it was better this way. Warren was right too, he knew. He knew I'd be a perfect boy wife for some man. And I was, traipsing in panties and girly clothes for Kent, always in my head knowing what Warren had said was true and knowing how exciting it was for me to assume that role with Kent.