Why Can't I Be Loved

I finally found the courage to speak. "Cathy, who... who is this guy?"

"Frank, my boyfriend," she replied.

Her words sliced right through my heart. "But I... I thought I was your boyfriend."

"Oh, for Christ's sake," Frank uttered with a dismissive roll of his eyes while throwing his arms in the air. "I'm going to get something to eat." He turned and left the room.

Cathy looked back at me. "You'd better go. I'm sorry about this."

"I... I don't want to leave you alone with him." I knew that guy could break me in two with his bare hands, but I wasn't about to leave my goddess in danger.

"You want to protect me?" she asked with a smile. We both knew how useless I would be, but she knew I was sincere. I'd fight to the death to keep her from harm. She put her hand behind my head and pulled me into a soft kiss. "You are a really sweet boy, Carter but there's no need to stay. Frank would never hurt me. I'll be perfectly safe, I promise."

I had so many thoughts swimming around in my head that I almost walked right past the restaurant. Ever so quietly, I let myself in through the kitchen entrance and went straight to bed. I laced my fingers behind my head and stared at the ceiling. Damn, what a night. I hoped I did the right thing by leaving. She said it was all right and he really didn't seem like he was all that mad.

I guess I was letting my immaturity and inexperience show through with my comment about her being my girlfriend, but I'd always heard that when two people made love it meant they were girl and boyfriend. I guessed that wasn't always the case.

What about Serena? She'd be coming home soon for Christmas vacation. I had no idea what to do. If Cathy was right, I knew I wanted to make love to her and show her what I'd learned, but I couldn't just say, "I want to make love to you... " could I?

There was another consideration, Stan. He'd been nothing but square with me ever since I'd met him. I certainly didn't want to go behind his back and have sex with his daughter. If he found out, I could lose it all, my room, my job, he might even forbid her to see me again.

I never knew sex could be so complicated. I had one question after another whirling around in my head but no answers. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep hoping Cathy would have some answers for me.

The next day I was up early. I took a shower and went downstairs for breakfast. I normally opened the shoe shine stand at nine, but not that day. I really wanted to talk to Cathy and knew we wouldn't have time when she was working, so I walked to the apartment building and hung around outside until she came out.

"Carter, what are you doing here?"

"Hi, Cathy, I wanted to make sure you're okay so I thought I'd walk you to work. I also wanted to apologize for that stupid crack last night about you being my girlfriend."

She chuckled a little before responding, I wasn't quite sure why. "Well, as you can see, I'm just fine... see, no bruises," she said, turning her head from side to side.

"Frank and I have kind of an understanding. We were actually going to get married a couple years ago, then I caught him with some redhead one night. I was so pissed I went out and got laid myself. We still lived together after that, but it was purely platonic for a few months. After a while, we both got horny as hell and decided to be live-in friends with benefits. That's pretty much where we still are today, although neither of us has sex with anyone else very often.

"I explained everything to him last night and he was fine, so please don't worry, and please don't worry about the girlfriend thing, I completely understand."

It was a big load off my shoulders to know I didn't cause any trouble between her and her boyfriend but I still had more questions. "Cathy, can I... can I talk to you about... ah... "

"What is it, Carter, just ask; you don't have to be shy with me, certainly not after last night," she said with another small laugh.

"Well, I really do like Serena. I'd like to be able to use the stuff you taught me but... well, how do I... you know... ask her. I can't just say do you want to have sex with me."

"Yeah, I'll admit, that's a little rough around the edges. The first thing is to be yourself. Don't try to be some Don Juan. Wait until you're alone with her then be honest, be sincere, tell her how you feel, and give her a soft kiss on the lips. Things will just naturally progress from there."

That sounded like good advice but I still had one more concern. "What about Stan? I mean, he's been so nice to me and helped me a lot. I... I really feel guilty going behind his back like that."

"Carter, I really hope I don't burst your bubble here, but I doubt very much if Serena is still a virgin and it would surprise me if Stan was naïve enough to think that she is still his little girl. You're what, still eighteen, right?"

I nodded yes. "I'll be nineteen next February."

"She's a few months older than you. Serena was nineteen last April, just before you started working there. Stan likes you, Carter. If I were a father, I'd much rather my daughter was involved with someone I liked and respected than someone I didn't. I certainly wouldn't rub his nose in it, but Serena is a young woman capable of making her own choices, and I know Stan respects that."

That night I felt strange when I went to bed. It was a weird feeling and I couldn't put my finger on it at first, then it hit me... I was happy! For the first time in my life, I was really happy. Oh, I know there were times growing up when I wasn't sad, angry or disappointed for an hour here and there, but I couldn't remember ever being truly happy.

I had friends, three of them, Stan, Serena, and Cathy. That was three more than I ever thought I'd have in my life. Of course, a lifetime of disappointments and betrayals from some claiming to be my friend still made me a little wary, but even some of the businessmen who came to me regularly for a shoe shines would talk to me and be friendly. I knew a lot of people would look at my circumstances and pity me, but for me, it was nirvana.

It was late November. In three weeks, Serena would be coming home for Christmas vacation. I'd have two weeks to tell her how I felt, and hopefully make love to her. I had to make plans, I had to get her alone, I had to figure out when and where. I already had thousands of dollars in the bank, so I could easily afford a motel room. It seemed like the only real alternative.

Every night I went to bed fantasizing about making love to Serena, but making plans to ensure it became a reality was no easy task. I thought about buying a car so I could take her out on a date. The problem was, not only didn't I have a driver's license, I never even learned to drive.

The days seemed to fly by, and the only thing I had was a tentative plan. I figured she'd come to the restaurant for lunch like she did before. I could tell her how I felt and ask her to meet me at a motel later that night. It wasn't what I wanted, but I couldn't think of anything more romantic and I was getting desperate.

Finally, Christmas was only a few days away and I hadn't heard anything about Serena. I decided to ask.

"Hey, Stan, is Serena home for Christmas yet?"

"Yeah, she got home the day before yesterday, but she's been so busy shopping and doing things with her mother, I've only had a chance to talk to her over the phone a few times. I won't get to see her until Christmas Eve... which reminds me, do you have any plans for Christmas Day?"

The question kind of shocked me. I guessed he was just being polite but what plans could I possibly make for Christmas? The restaurant would be closed, so my only plan was stay in my room. "Ah, no, not really," I answered.

"Well, the ex and I were talking, and she agreed it would be nice if you would join us for Christmas dinner."

It was completely unexpected. I'd never even met his ex-wife; I had no idea what she was like. It was a little scary, but it was a chance to be with Serena and I wasn't about to turn it down. "Really?" I asked with excitement. "Are... are you sure? I mean, I'd love to come if it's not too much trouble."

"It's no trouble at all, Carter. You'll ride with me. I'll be leaving about ten Christmas morning. Meet me down here."

"Thanks, Stan, this is so nice of you. Wh... what do I wear? Do I need a suit?"

"Who do you think we are?" he laughed, "the Rothschilds? No, just dress like you usually do; a nice shirt and slacks are fine."

When my foster dad dropped me off in front of that homeless shelter, I had three pairs of slacks, five shirts, some socks, and underwear. I decided it was time for some new clothes. The next day, I was waiting at the men's store when they opened their doors. I had four hundred dollars on me and spent almost every nickel of it. I was going to look sharp on Christmas day.

Later, I got a chance to tell Cathy what was happening. "Have you gotten a present for Serena yet?"

I hadn't even thought about it. I'd never bought a Christmas gift for anyone before. For that matter, I'd never been given a gift for Christmas before, either.

"No," I gasped. "I... I have no idea what to get her, Cathy. What should I buy her?"

"Well, you want something nice, not too nice, but something personal, something that will show her how you feel. All women love jewelry, maybe a nice necklace."

I guess she could see the panic in my face and once again, came to my rescue. "I'll tell you what, meet me at Ted's Jewelers on Belmont and Southport at nine-thirty tomorrow morning. Besides their regular stuff, they go to estate sales and buy so they have some really pretty stuff that won't break the bank."

It was the first time I'd been in public with Cathy other than in the restaurant. I have to admit to being jealous of the way the guys in the store drooled over her. In a way, I was glad she wasn't my girlfriend. I couldn't imagine having to put up with that every time we went out. She didn't even seem to notice. I guess she was used to it.

The guy behind the counter asked about Serena's birthday. I said it was in April. While talking to me, but never taking his eyes off of Cathy, he told me that meant the diamond was her birthstone. He took me over to where they had some really expensive necklaces that started at over a thousand dollars but Cathy walked over to the used jewelry section. "Oh, wow, this is perfect," she said. "How much is this necklace, here?"

We walked over and saw a long gold chain with a beautiful pear-shaped diamond and two small sapphires on either side. Cathy had good taste. "Four-hundred and fifty dollars," announced the counter guy.

"Oh, come on, you can do better than that," Cathy said while looking up at him with those sparkling blue eyes. "You probably paid fifty bucks for it."

The clerk looked over at an older man who I assumed was Ted. I saw the older guy nod his head. "Three-fifty," proclaimed our clerk. "That's the best I can do."

Cathy looked over at me. "I'll take it," I said. They even put it in a nice case and wrapped it for me.

I knew as we walked out of the store I had to do something nice for Cathy. I noticed her looking at a pair of diamond earrings, so before my shift started, I ran back to the jewelry store and bought them for her. I made sure I took my break before she left and gave them to her. She was flabbergasted and kissed me on the cheek. I learned something about Christmas that year; it could really put a dent in a guy's wallet but it was worth every nickel.

The next day was Christmas Eve. We closed early so all the employees could spend it with their families. Stan apologized for not taking me with him, and explained it had always been a night for just his immediate family. I told him not to worry and not to feel guilty. I would be just fine. I was always on the outside looking in when it came to the holidays. Over time, I made some improvements to my bedroom. I bought a TV and Stan had it hooked up to his cable. I also bought a small refrigerator and a microwave, all the comforts of home.

Christmas morning, I was up early. I couldn't sleep anyway. All I could think about was Serena. I took a nice long shower and even put on some cologne I bought for the occasion. Stan was impressed when I met him downstairs.

I had no idea where we were going. As far as I knew, I'd never been out of the city. I was in awe of all the big fancy houses we passed. I had seen Stan's apartment in the back of the restaurant. It was a lot nicer than where I lived, but it wasn't anything really fancy.

After about forty-five minutes, we pulled into the driveway of what I considered a mansion. I guess to normal people it would be considered upper-middle class. There were a few other cars in the drive, as well. I recognized Serena's and my heart started to beat faster. I reached into my coat pocket to make sure I had her present with me for about the sixth time.

"I see Jen's dad and mom are here already. You'll like them, they're nice people," Stan said. "They've always treated me like their son, even after the divorce. I think it was harder on them than it was for Jen and me. Unfortunately, the person who suffered the most, though, was Serena; she took it hard, real hard."

It was the first time Stan had shared anything about his family with me. It made me curious. "What about your own parents, where do they live?"

"They're both gone," he said, sadly. "My dad died of cancer six years ago. They say it's not possible to die from a broken heart, but I believe that's what killed my mom. Her health started to decline right after Dad passed away. She only lasted two more years before having a stroke. She never recovered consciousness and died four days later."

"I'm sorry, Stan. I... I didn't know."

"I know. Well," he said, not allowing himself to become melancholy, "are you ready for some turkey?"

"You bet!"

We both walked up the front porch, and Stan rang the bell. A few moments later an older version of Serena opened the door. "Hi, Stan, come on in," she said while giving him a kiss on the cheek.

She then turned to me. "You must be Carter. Welcome, I've heard so much about you from Serena." Just then I heard my name called out and immediately recognized the voice. Serena walked up and gave me a big hug. My emotions soared into the stratosphere. It was the first time anyone had ever hugged me like they really cared for me. I wrapped my arms around her and returned the affectionate embrace. I had never felt that way about anyone before in my life, it must be love, I thought. That's when I heard a male voice.

"Hey, hey, what's going on?"

Serena immediately broke our bond and turned around. I looked past her and saw a tall, good-looking guy standing a few feet away. "Oh, now don't go getting jealous on me." Serena said, "This is Carter, he's a good friend, that's all; nothing for you to worry about."

In that instant, I immediately thought, if this is love I want no part of it. I'd had hopes and dreams crushed before, but I'd never felt like I did at that moment. Her words sliced through to my soul like a hot knife through warm butter. All I wanted to do was turn and run, but I had no place to go.

"Carter, this is Dan Phillips, we go to college together," Serena explained, turning back to me.

Evidently, Serena talked about me and Dan had just put two and two together. "Oh, yeah, Carter, you're the dishwasher that works for Mr. Mancini. How are you?" he said, holding out his hand.

It may have been the hardest thing I ever had to do but I was determined to hold back my tears. I should have known, I told myself as I shook his hand; all the crap about Serena having feelings for me was nothing but bullshit.

After shaking my hand, Dan turned toward Stan, "Mr. Mancini, it's a real pleasure to meet you. Serena talks about you all the time," he said as he again stuck his hand out.

Stan seemed a little apprehensive as he took the offered handshake. I got the impression he was unaware of the boyfriend's presence, as well. Stan's former in-laws wandered into the foyer and I was introduced to them next. I was still desperately fighting to keep my emotions under control when Stan's ex offered to take my coat. In the wake of all my emotional trauma, I'd forgotten about the present. I knew when I heard something hit the floor it had fallen out of my pocket as Serena's mother was hanging it up.

"Oh, Serena," she said loud enough for everyone to hear, "this is for you."

"Me?" She moved over to her mother's side to take a look. "It's from Carter," she said with a smile. "I got you something, too," she told me.

I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate. I was desperate to find a way out of that mess. If Serena opened my present everyone would know what a fool I'd been. Inwardly, I was panicking. THINK, THINK, I told myself, but I was at a loss. There was nothing I could say or do that was going to prevent my humiliation.

The only thing I could think of was to try and talk Serena into waiting until we were alone to open our gifts but her mother shot that down before I got the chance. "Why don't we all go into the living room and sit around the tree while these two open their presents?"

"Good idea," agreed Serena's grandfather.

I felt as if I was being herded into the living room as everyone around me started to move. I was offered a seat on the couch while Serena walked over and retrieved the last remaining present from under their Christmas tree. "You first," she said with a smile as she handed me the small, brightly wrapped package. With her present still in her hand, Serena sat next to me while I opened mine. My first thought was, what am I going to do with this?

"It's not a smartphone. You can't go online with it or anything like that but it comes with two hundred pre-paid minutes," Serena explained. "Now we can talk to each other sometimes."

I had to admit, I'd never been given anything that nice before. I picked it up to look at it. Serena put her present in her lap while she showed me how it worked. Look," she said, pushing a button on the side, "it has a notepad, an alarm clock, and text messaging. And here," she said, hitting another button, "I already put my phone number in here for you."

At that moment, I had no idea how to feel. I knew I should have been grateful that Serena liked me enough to buy me something like that, but after all the buildup I got from Cathy, I couldn't get over my disappointment in knowing we were only friends, at least as far as she was concerned.

I was still going over things in my mind when Serena started to unwrap her gift. All I could do was sit there knowing what a fool I was. "Oh, wow," Serena said when she saw the box with Ted's logo. I think everyone gave a small gasp as she lifted the top of the box and revealed its contents; after which, they all seemed to be stunned into silence. Only her boyfriend expressed what he thought. "Nothing to worry about, huh..."

That seemed to bring Serena out of her trance. "Carter, it's... it's beautiful. This must have cost you a fortune." She raised it in her fingers and stared at it for a few seconds. "It's a diamond, my birthstone," she said looking up at everyone.

Serena's mother was the next to speak. "Carter, it's gorgeous."

I could feel myself wilting into the couch. I could only imagine what everyone was thinking. Thankfully, at least they were kind enough not to laugh. Thank God for Stan; he lightened the mood with a joke. "I think I must be paying you too much there, young man." Everyone chuckled except Serena. She was putting the necklace on. When she had it clasped in back, she reached over and kissed me on the cheek.

"Thank you, Carter." I just smiled and nodded my head. I couldn't help but be self-conscious the rest of the day. I'd glance around and catch someone looking at me, no doubt laughing inside at what a fool I'd made of myself.