Everything I'm Not

"But I got hurt, bad. The memories linger. I know you can love them out of me, with time. And that's what I want. Time. Time to really know each other. Please, don't rush me."

It was not as much as I wanted, but better than I expected. I snuggled down, promised him that I would indeed love his doubts away, and turned on the television. Baby steps are still steps in the right direction. My favorite mantra.

We snuggled on the couch, talking, watching television, touching, kissing. I told him about my day, the conversation with Betty. He laughed. "Tell her she can have it any weekend except the one closest to Valentine's Day. I have plans for it then. Make sure she knows I expect it cleaned and aired out, and she takes everything she brings in, out. I don't want to be looking under the bed a month later and find a pair of her drawers."

I almost choked on my wine with that mental image. Betty was a dear, but she was a big, big woman.

"So, Valentine's Day. Anything you want to share?"

There was that half-smile again. "Not a thing, baby. It's a surprise."

Ooh! He could be damned irritating at times.

I resolved to wait. I'd get him back next Valentine's Day. I snuggled, then gave an exaggerated yawn. "Honey, it's getting late. Time for bed."

He looked at the clock. It was 9:30. "It's only nine..." was all he got out before my skirt hit him in the face. He picked up clothes all the way to the bed.

Let's just say we went to bed early and went to sleep late.

*****

Over the next few weeks, I got a short tutorial of what life with a farmer was like. Eric didn't punch a clock. Some days were light, some were heavy.

"The first thing you learn as a farmer is that if you're not thinking two seasons ahead, you're already a season behind." I heard that damned expression until I was ready to scream.

I thought farmers worked in the summertime and took the winters off. But there was always equipment to maintain, seeds to be ordered, crop rotations to plan, markets to study and predict, the list was endless.

Eric had three hoop houses, which were essentially unheated greenhouses, forty-eight feet wide by ninety-six long. He kept them filled with lettuces, carrots, onions, and other cold-hardy crops. This insured a steady if reduced supply to his core customers. He had another structure the same size that was a heated greenhouse.

This also allowed him to offer his core employees full-time work.

Sometimes he would be home and dinner would be ready when I got there, sometimes he would call me to bring home takeout that would go uneaten because he didn't come in until ten, took a shower, and collapsed. I could cook, so some days I would do dinner. I felt good when I did this, just like a real wife.

I threatened him with dire consequences if he didn't slow down the week of Valentine's Day. "I want you well rested and in a good mood, mister. And I bought you some vitamins. Take them! You got business you need to take care of."

He just grinned and said, "Yes, Dear".

I agonized over what to get him. I wanted something that would cement our relationship.

I was looking through the ads, trying to find a piece of antique farm equipment, as he loved collecting those things. The farm section was right below the pet section, and there it was. "West Highland Terriers, available for Valentine's Day."

I called, excited.

"Only got two left, lady. Already got two more calls before you. You might want to hurry."

I went at lunchtime. He was an old man, friendly and open. His kennel was well kept, his animals healthy. Besides terriers, he had miniature Dobermans and Collies.

"Sorry ma'am. Feller just left with the white one. She's all I got left."

He picked her up and handed her to me. I fell in love instantly. She was a tiny thing, all excitement and shiny fur. I found out later she was a miniature.

He gave me a small box to transport her in, but she cried so badly I had her in my lap before I got three miles. I stroked her fur and she licked my hand happily before going to sleep.

I came through the door grinning ear to ear, giving him a big smooch.

He hugged me tightly. "Well, somebody is in a good mood! Anything you want to share?"

"Yes! But it's a surprise. Go sit in your recliner and close your eyes. No peeking. I'm giving you your Valentine's Day present early."

I waited, holding Jackie, until I was sure he had his eyes shut.

He heard my steps.

"Are you ready for your present?" I teased.

"Can't wait," he said. "Is it silk, satin, lace? Am I gonna enjoy touching it?"

Mentally I said, "God I hope so", but out loud I said, "Well, it's really soft, and it's fur-covered." I put Jackie on his lap. His hand automatically went to it, and then his eyes snapped open.

He held the pup up shakily until it was eye level. Jackie was squirming now, licking his hand. It looked so tiny, his huge hands almost completely covering her. He looked at me, and tears were streaming down his cheeks. I was instantly hugging him.

"I'll take her back! I didn't mean to bring up old pain."

He took one hand off Jackie and used it to pull me into a deep, deep, kiss. When he broke it, he was smiling. "Of course we'll keep her. I've just never felt as truly loved as I do right now. Thank you."

Well damn it, then I started crying. Jackie didn't know what was going on so she joined in, whining. Eric laughed and petted her, talking to her in a calm, soothing voice until she was once again wiggling, happy to have her belly rubbed.

"He's gonna be so good with our babies," flashed through my head. It made me warm all over. We put her into her little box with some food and water. She whined for a bit before sleeping.

"Have you ever trained a puppy before?" he asked, as we ate a quick dinner. When I shook my head no, he grinned.

"Well, consider it training for motherhood. She's tiny, without her litter mates, and completely dependent on you for everything. She's just a furry little baby."

After dinner, we got her out and let her run. She immediately wet the carpet. Eric laughed and cleaned the spot.

"Your turn next time" he said. "Stop at the pet store tomorrow and get some training pads and some food. She has enough to last until then."

I sat beside him as Jackie hopped back and forth on our laps, until she tired herself out and went to sleep.

We put her in the bedroom to be near us. As soon as she was put in the box she started whining, but she eventually went to sleep. She woke me later, whining again. I got up and petted her and she hushed, but started back just as soon as I put her down. Exhausted, I lay down, still holding her. When my alarm went off the next morning she was nestled against my cheek.

I put her down, and she immediately peed on the carpet again. I fussed at her while I cleaned up. Looking up, I saw Eric in the doorway, grinning.

"Bring your furry daughter and come have breakfast. It's ready."

That day, when I got to work and started my laptop, a photo appeared. It was me sleeping, with Jackie on my pillow. We were nose to nose.

Betty came in and saw the picture, and I had to tell her the story. "So when's the big day?"

"What big day?"

"THE DAY. You know, the one where you stand up in front of a bunch of people and say what they already know anyway, that you love each other and wanna spend the rest of your lives together. That day."

"Soon, I hope. We've only been serious for a little over three months. He has to ask me first. Believe me, when it happens everybody will know when they hear my scream."

Flowers arrived just before lunch. I read the card and cried. All it said was, "I love you".

We met at the Y for our workout and then to lunch. I told Sandy and Glory about the puppy and the flowers. Mike had joined us to get the bread order for the next day. "I make a mighty fine wedding cake. Just saying, in case you find anyone interested."

I made a production out of taking his card. It doesn't hurt to hint a little.

*****

We spent two nights at the cabin for Valentine's Day. We only put clothes on when we had to carry wood in or put more gas in the generator.

His gift to me? Besides the flowers and candy, as soon as it got warm enough, we went mining in the mountains, at a private pit. Eric had known the family for years. It was a little creepy and a lot muddy, but I found a really nice ruby and a slightly smaller emerald. We took them to a jeweler the owners knew, and he had enough to make a necklace out of the ruby and a ring out of the emerald.

Jackie, that tiny terror, had finally been house trained. She spent most of her time with Eric during the day, in her custom-built playpen. He couldn't let her in the fields or hoop houses because of health regulations, but she was petted often and let loose to run twice a day. And of course, she had the run of the house.

As soon as I got home she would come flying through the house, jumping up and down to get my attention. I would have her in my arms while I gave Eric his kiss, and he would grumble about fickle females sticking together.

She learned pretty fast that if we put her in her crate not to whine, Mommy and Daddy needed some alone time. I almost always let her out afterwards, and we would wake to find her sleeping at the bottom of our bed.

March went by in a blur of happiness. I had four more months on my lease. I had pretty much moved my stuff by now. I would spend the night in the apartment every week or so, usually when there was an event I had to attend or there were feathers that needed to be smoothed. Eric didn't like it, but I still had to do my job. His busy season was gearing up, and the final plans for Feast In The Field were being laid.

I spent part of my Saturdays in the field or hoop houses, helping where I could. I really loved driving the tractors. His crew literally fell down laughing the first time I tried. Tractors aren't like cars, if you leave a car in high gear it chokes down when you let out the clutch. Tractors don't. If it's in high gear and you let out the clutch it'll take off.

I was learning the gears, listening to Eric as he talked me through the levers, learning about the power take off, the hydraulic controls, throttle, etc. Finally, he told me to drive it to the back field, where we were setting out broccoli and cabbage plants. I had been changing gears, and didn't notice where I stopped. I swear, I thought I was in low gear and low range, but I was in high gear in normal range.

I let the clutch out and the wheels spun in the mud, coating him from head to toe. He looked like a mud snowman. His crew stood stunned, before they started laughing.

He stood there, dripping mud, while I looked at him in horror. He wiped the mud out of his eyes, looked at me, and burst out laughing. Soon I was laughing, running from him when he tried to hug me.

We had our last meeting in late March. We had done everything we could think of to make it a success. Professionally I was pleased, personally I was despondent. I couldn't get a ticket. It had been sold out for months. Eric was going of course, walking around whistling, teasing me by promising me a doggy bag. It was driving me crazy.

Finally, three days before the event, he gave me a big kiss and slipped something into my hand. I looked down. A ticket to the event, and an invitation to sit at the VIP table. I stared at it, wondering what it meant.

Eric just smiled his half-smile. "I thought you'd be happier. I've had your ticket since New Year's Eve."

It finally sank in, and I almost knocked him down with my gratitude, then pulled back and slapped his jaw. His eyes flew open in surprise. "Thank you, honey. You know I love you, but if you ever do something like this again, I'll kick your ass. Three days? Three days to get a dress, make hair and spa appointments? Know how hard that's going to be? If I show up in a sack dress and sneakers, you better not say a word. Understand?"

He nodded meekly, actually looking ashamed. "I'm sorry, babe. I just wanted to surprise you."

*****

I called in favors, made threats, took time off to do nothing but shop. Managed to pull it all together just in time. Betty and my boss just grinned, they had known I was going for months. My remarks to them were completely unprofessional.

He looked darn spiffy in a tux, if I do say so. I wouldn't let him see what I had bought. I made him wait in the living room while I dressed. He fussed, worrying we would be late.

"Well, what do you think?" I asked, as I swept into the room.

He didn't say a word. I finally reached up gently and pushed his mouth shut.

"I guess that means you like it." It was THE black dress. Full length, clinging to my curves like a second skin, with an alluring high slit up the side. A plunging neckline that did my girls justice without being too daring. Pearls, diamond studs, makeup just so. My hair was upswept in an elaborate twist, accenting my neck.

He finally exploded. "My God! You have always been beautiful, but this is breath-taking! You will definitely be the belle of the ball."

I glowed under his praise. "Thank you, gallant sir. I'm glad I'm acceptable."

"Acceptable? You'll start a riot when we show up. I have a feeling I'll spend the night fighting men off of you."

I gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I don't think so. Everyone knows I belong to you."

He gave me a piercing stare. "Do you?"

I didn't understand. "Do I what?"

"Belong to me."

I had a thought he may actually be insecure. I gave him a deep, lingering kiss.

"Only parts of me. My body. My soul. My love. My devotion. I'm sure if anything is left out it'll come later. Now, shall we go?"

I think we were both misty-eyed as we walked outside. There was a limo waiting. Of course. He regained his confidence during the ride, stroking my thigh, nibbling my neck. "I can't wait to get you home, and see what's under this dress."

I giggled. "Sorry honey, you won't see anything new. The only thing under this dress is a pair of thigh highs and me."

His eyes widened as he slid a hand under my dress, feeling the lacy tops of my hose, before continuing upwards, finding nothing but soft skin. I started wiggling, wanting more, but I pulled his hand out.

"Later, love."

*****

The meadow was groomed to perfection, the tents white and gleaming in the late afternoon sun.

Everybody that was anybody in that part of the state was there. The Mayor, commissioners, city council members, judges, politicians, state and federal, and the Governor.

The press was there of course, but their numbers were limited. Since I was there and the face of the bank, I was interviewed, but kept my remarks short and on the event, saying it was a worthy cause we were proud to support. I introduced Eric, making sure he got the credit he was due. He also kept it short, thanking everyone involved for making it such a special experience, talking about the farmers, brewers, vintners, and chefs, and urging people to keep them in mind when they shopped.

We mingled, enjoying the light treats that were offered, before taking our seats. I was shocked to find us seated between the Governor and the Mayor. The conversation centered on the food, of course, so Eric spoke a lot. He would include me as often as possible, lightly touching my arm, and once he caressed my cheek.

The Governor's wife commented as she took his hand. "Isn't young love grand, Harold? How long have you been married?"

When I told her we weren't, she asked when it was going to happen. "Well, he hasn't asked me yet, but I'd be willing to consider any offer."

I expected him to be embarrassed, but he just smiled and kissed my hand.

The courses were superbly prepared, with notes on where they came from and which chef prepared it. The desserts were as decadent and rich as possible, many baked by Mike. It took almost ninety minutes to finish the meal. After the dishes were cleared, Eric strode up to a small podium that had been erected.

"Thank you all so much for coming. At this time, I'd like to introduce the people who made this all possible."

First he introduced the farmers, chefs, brewers, vintners, and bakers. They got a round of well-deserved applause. Then he introduced all the members of the committee that made the event such a success. He introduced me last, bringing me up to stand beside me.

"This woman and I met on this committee, that alone was worth all the time I invested. As the other members can attest, we've grown closer over the months."

There were smiles and light applause.

"I was getting over a bad divorce, and she showed me through her love and kindness that it was still possible to feel good about the future. In fact, I didn't think I would ever love again. She brings out the best in me. The thought of life without her terrifies me."

I looked at him, wondering where this was going. I almost fainted when he turned and dropped to one knee. "Susan, any farmer will tell you nothing grows without sun. It just shrivel up and dies. You're my sun, Honey. I'm asking you in front of God and all these witnesses to marry me. I love you so much, I truly believe I would wither away without you."

He opened his hand, holding an enormous emerald ring with two impressive diamonds on the sides.

I turned pale, swayed, blurted out "YES", and while I didn't faint, I became so light-headed I had to sit down, and the only seat available was his knee. It was just natural to wrap my arms round him and cry from sheer joy.

*****

We made all the papers and television the next day. There was almost two pages on the event in the social section of the papers, the movers and shakers guaranteed that. There was also a side story about his proposal, and the image of me fainting into his arms was on television for two days.

Thirty seconds after our limo pulled away, I was on his lap. We were almost to the point of staining the upholstery when he delivered us home. The door had barely closed before he had verified that I indeed had nothing under my dress but skin.

We made slow, soft love. Nested like doves. Mated like tigers. We tried to explore everything in between the extremes.

I woke up twice afterward, turning on the bedside lamp just to look at my ring. It was massive. He explained why he had chosen it.

"I've had the emerald for years, it was one of the first ones I ever found. I told my mom it would be made into a ring when I found the girl I wanted to spend my life with. Looking back, I think I was unsure of your cousin even then. I never had it cut for our engagement."

"I had a vision of it on your finger the first night we spent together at the cabin. I know it's supposed to be a diamond, but I'd held on to my dream for so long I couldn't resist. If you don't like it, we'll go next week and you can pick one out."

I kissed him soundly and told him the only way this ring was ever coming off my finger would be when they had to pull it off my dead body. A few years later I had my jewelry appraised for insurance purposes, and was astounded when it was valued at well over six figures. Something to do with the combination of clarity, cut, and sheer size. The appraiser assured me it was one of a kind.

*****

I was still walking on air when I went to work the following Monday. I don't know how many people congratulated me as I walked to my office, but it felt like everyone on the floor.

Betty nearly knocked me down hugging me, and as soon as I got loose and asked her to be my matron of honor she did knock me down. My boss picked that particular moment to walk in. He was still laughing when we tackled him to the floor and tickled him, a well-known weakness of his, until he begged us to stop. Then he kissed me on the cheek, congratulated me on a successful campaign, and left, but not before I made it clear I expected him to be sitting in the bride's section on the appointed date. I swear he had a tear in his eye when he left, probably from the tickling.