by Lost Boy
This escalates way to quickly and things seem to go way too smoothly for way too long.
Not only that, but introducing superheroes into a story like this takes at least a modicum iota more finesse than just clobbering the reader over the head with it like that.
You threw everything but the kitchen sink into this story. So little explanation was provided that it all became gibberish. I couldn’t finish it.
Convoluted, multi voiced. Started out so well and quickly face-planted. And when you end a paragraph without a closing quote symbol that means the next paragraph is spoken by the same person… you made this very difficult to read on top of the other confusion. Pick one story at a time please.
Typical Lost Boy story. I enjoy his works and l like this story as well. Lots of good stuff and the promise of mystery as well.
Well done, 5/5. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Wow! I'm still getting my head around all the nuances. Great start and I can't wait to see how you make it all work.
I'm looking forward to all the different parts to come together in the future chapters
Well... not the start I was expecting. I guess I will take a hard pass on posting the next parts. Perhaps I will find something else to work on. Sorry, I disappointed you.
My head hurts. I think there's something in there but the jumping early on from scene/subject to another left me dizzy. Try not to get too cute with the plot play...4*
This tried to sound like a Dick Tracy novel. It didn't. Plinking around at the drop of a hat to different topics is moronic.
The best thing I can about this is, what I read, there have been grammatically worse submissions on this site.
I have only one complaint, it was too short. lol, really like this story. great plot and lots of twists.
This story is a fucking mess! I couldn't even make it farther than the end of the second page. Seriously, you are trying to do way too much!
So Detective Evenwood is his mother? Or perhaps his unknown sister by another father? I have to agree with other commenters. The story development was too fast for the superhero elements to be just dropped on us like you did. In fact, that part was not clearly written and didn’t make sense. It didn’t fit with the rest of the story. You move through what is developing as a murder mystery, hinting that the hero might be a werewolf and might’ve killed Dex, to suddenly having superheroes? You’re asking too much too soon for us to suspend our disbelief. You need to move us through your world building up to the fact it contains monsters and superheroes. This is where exposition comes in. This story had little to none. Still, I’m interested to see what you do with part two, so get off your ass and post it already.
Excellent! Can't wait to read how you're going to put all this together. I know it will be to every ones liking. I'm looking forward to being amazed! 5 BIG ASS FUCKING HUGE FLAMINING NOVA STARS!
I hope their is a part 2 that will put all this into context it just feels confused. 4 stars.
i don't know if I liked this story or not. I could not keep up with the changes. I do think the sex was hot.
Loved this one and looking forward to more with this and play testers needed keep up the great work my friend
Keeping up with this excellent piece of writing requires full attention, but it all works perfectly with so many loose ends to tantalise the reader. Thanks
Your writing is good, but I am so confused? I know the name Shaw, and I even think windemere or whatever sound familiar, so I'm sure this is a continuation of past stories or at the least it's in the same universe as some of your other stories, but it's been awhile since I've read any of your stuff so I don't know where to go to draw on to know what's going on. It's like hearing an inside joke but you aren't on the inside so you just don't get it. Maybe think about a prescript for new readers or those like me that have been away awhile and give a story sequence or brief background or something so we aren't so lost.
Always a new story in a parallel universe. Same characters, different circumstsnces. Always cusing things haspening as well. Where did the patch on the bsck of his neck come from. Love your story lined. Wish they were cohesive.
You're obviously going somewhere with this. I think I may have some idea where. I'll be interested to see if I'm right.
3 out of 5 for this one. A bit more of a setup would've been helpful before we went full dive down the sex rabbit hole.
Is 'Masters' John Masters, one of your other characters? Was he the one that turned into some kind of Cthulhu offspring during his series?
Is it a parallel world, because in "plasterers wanted " Nick was already dead when Booker started.