All Comments on 'Temptation Ch. 02'

I'm lovin' the tension! Can't wait to see if she'll cum around nine. -I know, bad joke ;)

Can't wait for chapter 3!

your use of the words "male" and "female" is excessive and slightly annoying.

just my $.02

Okay, after having read the last chapters first and these chapters now, I have to say that the begining is poor. i understand why one person said it looked like a rape story. It reads like one big love-hate relationship cliched movie. But it has the potential to be better than that.

You use a lot of words and phrases that are again very redundant.

"she had ever had the misfortune of knowing"

"she had ever had the misfortune to encounter"

Both within a paragraph or two of each other. Amy snarls quite often in the chapter and you refer to "male" and "female" just a little too much. You really don't have to have an adjective in every sentence. Also, it seems Amy blushes and re-blushes three times in the span of 30 seconds of Nick rubbing against her. Maybe she feels warmth in a different body part. There are more physical reactions that show embarrassment than blushing.

But on a positive note, we finally see some character development. Amy doesn't really believe Nick would hurt her. If she knows this, then she wouldn't be afraid of him. They way you write Nick, you really do make him seem like he's about to rape her and that's not sexy. Its a big turnoff. You need to drop little hints along the tension scenes to show that its all talk. Their attraction to each other despite their seemingly incomaptible qualities needs to be pointed out earlier. In the first chapter, maybe Amy appreciates his muscles with the other girls. Instead of eyeing her like a sexual predator, Nick should be trying to sneak glances at her and when Amy catches him, he sidetracks her with a joke or outlandish statement (i.e. the penis vs. dildo debate)

For example, the few paragraphs where Amy contemplates their relationship- that seems like it should preface the incident of Nick making a sexual advance to her. Because before I read that description of their realtionship really was underneath, I really thought Nick was a feind. I would have slapped him, not blushed. You have to make the reader believe that he's not going to hurt her-he just wants her and for more than just sex.

It seems like a lot of critism, but I guess that just means I like the story. Backwards compliment.

I haven't checked your profile but from the way you write the female lead- I'd have guessed a bisexual fifteen year old boy. Though I guess even bisexual boys are rarely called Ada.

Doesn't whatsherface know any synonyms for " annoying" ? You could have condensed this all into one chapter. I'm not saying that because their wasn't much erotica in the literotica- I'm saying it because I don't think I could stand another variation on " What are you doing here this time?".

YOU ALREADY established he's a whiney tight-ass. We KNOW he's nosey and "over-protective" and we KNOW he's -like- an older brother. We know- repeating it every chapter is redundant. You seem English- please learn it.

Cant say I really like your leading man atm