The BTB-Team

"What the hell is that?" I asked.

"That," Murphy said, "is the reason your beautiful and heretofore faithful wife suddenly started shacking up with Stan-the-Man here."

T. A. scooped up a brick that formerly had been part of Stanley's wall and walked toward the kitchen.

"No!" Stanley yelled. "Wait. Don't―"

Before he could finish, T. A. raised the brick overhead and brought it crashing down. The device sparked and hissed. Its iridescent surface faded to a dull silver, and the tip of the rod stopped pulsing.

Stanley groaned.

"Someone want to bring me up to speed?" I asked. "What is that thing?"

Nero smiled. "That is ... or was ... a Martian Slut Ray."

"A Martian ..." I trailed off, not certain that I'd heard him correctly.

"Slut ray," Murphy said.

"Very funny."

"Oh, there's nothing funny about it," Chase said. "Possession of illegal alien technology violates more than a dozen different interplanetary regulations. Stanley here is in for a world of hurt. Just not on our world."

"Wait," I said. "You're telling me that there's life on Mars? Intelligent life?"

"Yep," Murphy said.

"And they used their intelligence to create a ... slut ray?"

"Yep."

"For Earth women?"

"Yep."

Allison stumbled over and pulled me into a deep kiss, running her fingers through my hair. "Mmm ... I've missed you, baby."

She broke the kiss, nipped my lower lip with her teeth, then turned to face Nero. "Hey, who's your friend?" She trailed a finger down his chest. "He's cute."

Nero removed a vial of purple liquid from his jacket and handed it to her. "Drink this," he said.

"Anything for you, gorgeous," Allison purred.

"What's the purple stuff?" I asked.

"Venusian Prude Elixir," Nero said. "Immediately counteracts the effects of a Martian Slut Ray. The trick is―"

"Wait. Venus has intelligent life too?"

"Yes. Please don't interrupt. As I was saying, the trick is to get the right dosage. Too much, and your wife will never want to touch you again."

Allison threw back the vial, chugged its contents, then wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and let loose an enormous burp.

"This tastes like ass," she said.

Nero winked at me, then slipped an arm around Allison's waist and pulled her in for a kiss. "Why don't you try something a little sweeter, baby?"

Allison shoved him backward and slapped him across the face. "Get off me, creep." She wrapped her arms around my neck. "I'm a happily married woman."

"Perfect," Nero said. "Nailed the dosage."

Chase and Murphy circled the room, handing similar vials of purple liquid to the other women while T. A. used zip ties to bind Stanley's hands and feet.

Nero smiled as he surveyed the scene and puffed his cigar. "I love it when a plan comes together."

"So that's it?" I asked. "Allison is back to normal now?"

"I'd give it another twenty four hours, but yes. She should be fine."

"What about him?" I nodded toward Stanley.

"The rightful owners of that little gadget will be along soon to pick it up. I imagine they'll want to talk to Stanley about how he came to acquire it and why it's now in a dozen pieces."

Stanley began to whimper quietly.

"Wow. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but ... thank you."

I extended my hand. Nero shook it.

"You know, we never talked about payment," I said.

"Oh, we don't do this for money. We do it because we love our work. What comes next will be payment enough."

"Why? What comes next?"

"The best part. Our job isn't quite finished. We have one task left. Murphy, do you want to do the honors?"

Murphy lumbered toward us, carrying something that he'd pulled from the back of the Pilot. It had a long barrel with a nozzle on the end, not unlike a power washer you might use for concrete. A hose connected the barrel to a tank strapped to Murphy's back.

"What's that?" I asked.

"What does it look like?" T. A. said. "A flamethrower."

"Okay. And what exactly are you planning to do with a flamethrower?"

Murphy nodded toward Allison. "Um ... our job?"

Allison gasped and clutched my arm.

"What?" I stepped forward, placing myself between Allison and Murphy. "You can't be serious."

"How is this surprising to you?" Chase asked. "It's literally the first word in our company's name."

I watched Murphy turn the dial on the handle to Extra Crispy. Flames licked at the nozzle.

"It's pretty simple," Nero said. "She cheated on you. Now she has to pay. Step aside, please."

"First, that's barbaric. Second, she didn't cheat. She was under the influence of a Martian Slut Ray. You said so yourself!"

"Look, Ted," Nero said. "I'll be honest. Our team isn't really into nuance. We provide a simple service. Do you want that service or not?"

"No!"

"So, you don't want her burned?" Murphy asked. He sounded dejected. "Not even a quick singe?"

"How many times do I have to say it? No!"

Murphy sighed and turned off the fuel valve. The flames flickered and vanished.

"Well, this is anticlimactic," Chase said.

"Look, I'm sorry you don't get your pound of flesh, but I love my wife. Whatever issues we may have, I know we can work through them."

I smiled and squeezed her hand. Allison squeezed back.

"Ahh ... now I see the problem," Nero said. "You hired the wrong team."

"What are you talking about?"

"Hold on. I think I have their card around here somewhere." He patted each of his pockets. "Here we go!"

Nero pulled a business card from his shirt and handed it to me. The card featured a picture of a white van. Printed on the van's side were the words "The RAAC-Team." Below the van were three lines of italicized text:

Reconciliation At All Costs

To err is human; to forgive, divine.

Isn't your marriage worth it?

"Next time," Nero said, "give these guys a call. They have a different area of expertise."

"Thanks," I said, "but they don't sound like a good fit either. I mean, I wouldn't reconcile at ALL costs. I can think of a lot of scenarios that would make reconciliation imposs―"

"Look, Ted," Nero interrupted. "I don't know what to tell you. There are just two teams. You gotta pick one. I don't make the rules."

I nodded. It wasn't worth arguing. I could tell it would just spiral into an endless debate.

I tried to steer the conversation in a different direction. "You know, given the name, I assumed your team and their team would have a rivalry or something."

"Not at all!" Nero said. "They're good guys."

"Super good guys," agreed Chase.

"The yin to our yang," said Murphy.

"Really?"

"Absolutely," said Nero. "We refer clients to them all the time. And they return the favor. It's just good business. Come to think of it, we're getting drinks with them tonight. You and the missus want to come? I can introduce you."

I exchanged a glance with Allison.

"I think we've had enough excitement for one day."

"Suit yourself," said Nero. "Can we at least give you a ride home?"

T. A., Chase, and Murphy had already piled into the car.

"No. We'll arrange a ride with the others. Make sure everyone gets home safely to their families."

"You're a good man, Ted."

I smiled. "And you and your associates are violent, mentally ill vigilantes, Nero."

"That's kind, but we're just doing our job."

T. A. backed the van out of the house. Allison and I stood arm-in-arm, watching through the hole in Stanley's wall as the BTB-Team drove off into the sunset and, with any luck, out of our lives forever.

"Honey," Allison said, as the car disappeared over the crest of a hill. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course. Between aliens, slut rays, and four strangers with a flamethrower, you must have a ton of questions."

"Just one."

"What's that?"

"Was that my car?"